The Pondering

Currently playing

2009-07-21T02:31:00.000-07:00

Bored - want to post something but have nothing really to talk about. So welcome to what will probably be a long, rambling and unfocused post.

I'm "currently playing" 3 games - Henry Hatsworth and the Puzzling Adventure, Project Sylpheed and Battlefield 1943. Oh and the tales of Monkey Island but I'm probably not going to talk about that much. Our mutual friend has already talked about it enough I think.

So Henry Hatsworth. Which is - if you're not already aware - a DS platformer with a block-matching element that has a non-traditional old-fashioned british gentleman for a hero.

With pipe and trilby, Henry would be charming and innovative if Professor Layton hadn't come along and totally won forever the title of unconventional gentlemanly hero. Compared to Layton, Henry looks like a boorish cad with the manners of an uncultured baboon. Which is unfortunate - we are a long way from upper-crust gents being as common as space marines in games, two coming along so close to each other seems a waste. And they are different - Henry is more a broad caricature of a Victorian explorer whereas Layton is a far more complete character.

Also Henry has a whiff of corporate-controlled eccentricity to him - "Let's just have some crazy goofball character like a totally british guy, cos the kids, they like the crazy" kind of thing. But they're both male, be-hatted, under-stated and genrally more civilised than your average game character so comparisons are inevitable. And the similarities don't end there - they also both have a small boy apprentice with a cap and a cheeky attitude. Who is annoying but a neccesary counterpoint of impetuous youth used to highlight the aged wisdom of the main character. I guess. There must be some reason for them.

Moving on to game play however, Henry couldn't be more different. It basically applies the puzzle quest idea to a platformer. As you move through the original Mario-type 2D levels on the top screen a set of coloured blocks gradually moves up the bottom screen. When you kill enemies they go into the puzzle to become grumpy blocks. If these grumpy blocks move up enough to reach the top screen they come out and try and crush you. To prevent this at any time you can switch between the screens to do a bit of block matching to get rid of the grumpy blocks and generally keep the level down. The same thing happens to power-ups - you find them in the level then they go into the puzzle. If you match enough blocks you unlock Henry's robot suit - slightly spoiling the Victorian gentleman explorer image - and making you invincible for a short time.

The game is fine - I suspect the problem is that I hate platformers. I'm not a careful person. I have little patience for cautiously timing ducks to avoid lasers or precisely landing jumps on moving platforms - I like to rush in, guns (or walking sticks) blazing. It's generous enough with the save points - if you die you restart a little way before you fell or at the start of a boss fight. If you run out of lives then it's back to the start of the level with 4 lives. There's also balancing in the form of replaying old levels for cash to buy power-ups in the shop. The game gives me every chance - I feel churlish for saying I find it frustrating and repetitive. However I do -I'm sure it's all my fault though. I just get to a stage - probably the stage where you can no longer get away with just running through pushing buttons randomly - where I just get into a cycle, I die, I'm annoyed so i'm less cautious, so i die, so I'm annoyed etc etc

The puzzle element helps - it means I have another recourse to recover health, damage enemies etc. It also adds a new twist - but in the end I can't get over my stumbling block of hating platformers, so overall I can't say it's the best game ever. Also, though character is really not a vital part of a platformer, Henry grates so badly after Layton - it just makes me long for the next Layton game.

Hmmm - have to be honest I kinda hoped I'd come across a theme as I was writing. Sort of thought I'd have a thought and then restructure the post to reflect a general point. Didn't happen. Sorry about that. Next up is Battlefield - let's see if anything jumps out.

C

2008-09-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

Reached level 100 on Space Giraffe.
Reached but not breached.
What will happen? Will the giraffe be in the damn castle? Will I get a telegram from Jeff Minter on completion? Will I stay sane long enough to find out?

Stay tuned.

Some Points.

2008-09-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

The first time doing something, that you will then go on to repeatedly do throughout a game is not an achievement.
First time finishing the game- achievement, first time killing a mid-level boss - fine, but first time casting a spell? First level-up? Congratulations you found the A button? WTF? what's the difference between the first time and all the other times you do that thing? What's so great about the first one? The thousand millionth time- that's an achievement, doing a basic action once- really not.
Completing the tutorial is not an achievement.
Well duh - you haven't even started the game and you're already earning points? How is that? How the hell do you fail a tutorial? By definition it's the easiest part of the game - in fact it's not even part of the game - it's even easier than the game! If the tutorial in your game is a challenge then u r doing it very wrong!
Being player 2 is not an achievement
This is unbelievable - yes I'm looking at you Gears of War - even tho I happened to benefit from this complete lack of logic ("Baggsy Dom!") - it really shouldn't be excused. Obviously having a friend is an achievement for most gamers, but really, they shouldn't have to pay them points.
Being crap at the game is not an achievement
It may seem funny, Harmonix, it may seem oh so amusing at the time - how we laughed, when we saw it in the Guitar Hero II achievement list "Fail a song on easy" Har Har Har. Achievements are not jokes, Harmonix, they are not a way of showing how crazy and unconventional you are. Grow up.
Being bored is not an achievement
If you can do the achievement, without even touching the controller, from the kitchen, making a cup of tea, it is not an achievement. The tea is more deserved than those points. GTA4 was particularly guilty, with it's long taxi rides and copter tours but any game that has "watched all the cut scenes" achievements...*shakes head* No. Wrong.

People say to me "Oh Judy," they say "What's your problem? Do you not like points? What does it matter that some achievements are a little easier than others?" Oh you fools. Oh you poor, blind, foolish fools.

We know where this leads. Giving out all these points for sub-prime achievements is dangerously devaluing the Live economy, and there's only one result - rocketing inflation followed by a gamerpoint crunch. That's right. Currently an xbla title has 200 points worth of achievements - conservative estimates say that if this devaluation continues a typical xbla game achievement will be worth 10,000,000 points. Independent developers just can't afford to put that many points into a game - they'll just go to the wall. This will cause a points scarcity that will lead to gamer self-esteem collapse, which will result in ever easier achievements for even more points and the whole system will be trapped in an ever decreasing spiral. Maybe the big boys will survive a little longer but with the value of gamerpoints circling the drain even the likes of EA and Ubisoft will come tumbling down.

We have to act now. All gamer points earned from any achievement that fits one of the descriptions above should be stripped from players' profiles immediately, and all developers should be provided with a dictionary with the definition for achievement underlined in red, with pictures and examples. Any game found giving points for non-achievements should be banned and the developer's point-distribution license revoked.

It's extreme but it's the only solution. It's the only way I can have more points than Tug.

Is Space Giraffe the best game ever?

2008-09-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

Yes.

Well in a way yes -but generally whatever game I'm playing is the best game ever for it's duration - so it's probably not a very reliable declaration. I'm playing Apollo Justice on the DS and that's the best game ever too - so, pinch of salt, but the point of this is - 'raffe has been horribly under-rated.

Not least by me. Mr Judy downloaded SG on release. Wow! I said, it looks great. Crazy! Mad! British comedy references! Ow eyes hurting now, stop playing. What do you mean I've got no achievements? Give up.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. We're in the middle of one of the longest droughts in gaming history. Every day I scan the shelves for something new to play.
"Can I help?" says the teenage assistant
"I don't know - I'm looking for something good, something overlooked - something that is amazing and yet has somehow got past everyone I know and all the reviewers on the internets, something impossible, yet incredible.. do you have anything like that?"
"Um...TNA Impact?"
Even my inbetweeners are starting to pall. Edge is full of fascinating, complex, incredible games promised for the coming months that are still *weeks* away from release. And, tucked away in the "what we're playing now" section, Space Giraffe rates a mention.

Hmm never did get on with that - maybe time for another go. At least try and get the sneezing achievement....and an obsession was born. Then over nights of swearing, internet scouring, many varied attempts to reach the zen-like state you need to play- the obsession was tempered and formed into evangelical fervour. Time to spread the word.

Why you were wrong about Space Giraffe.
A lot of people give up after the tutorial. Which is not aptly named. Jeff Minter, a genius with light and music, has a lot to learn about pedagogy. Key terms are not defined. Concepts are not explained. Examples are not given. Don't get me started on assessment for learning. If he worked for our institution, we'd be having words. You get a vague instruction. Then a bit later it says "well done you did that" You wonder what just happened. I discovered I'd been playing the game completely wrong after reading a FAQ on the internet.

Of course, you could argue that the "tutorial" is deliberately bad, just as the level design is deliberately eye-bleedingly confusing, which is the next hurdle for the contemporary gamer. We've been molly-coddled by namby-pamby games in which you can actually see what's going on. Stuff like the things trying to kill you. The things you're supposed to pick up. Most games make these things stand out. Not SG - you have to visually wrench such information from the chaos on the screen and it's often unfair. I've played zone games before, the feeling of your muscle memory overriding your conscious mind - 'raffe is the first game I've really felt you need the Force to play. And we're not talking some weedy blast shield, it's like injecting your eyeballs with LSD and trying to split a gnat with a stick of spaghetti. With guns.

But I forget, I'm trying to convince people to play it, not put you off...well let's see -

Colours!
Most games these days have about three colours (brown, grey and browney-grey), SG has megabezillions.

Online leaderboards!
A mere 10,000 people bought Space Giraffe. You're pretty much guaranteed top 1000 by being vaguely competent. (currently 72, thanks for asking. Oh you didn't. Well I'm just happening to mention it then. It's my blog.)

Weekly online leaderboards!
Out of 10,000 how many do you think played this week?

Jeff needs the money.
Llamas don't come cheap.

CONGRATULATIONS!
You have finished this blogpost, but our giraffe is in another castle!
You are bored

The Sheep Speaks!

2008-09-01T13:42:00.000-07:00

Apparently I am a sheep. Yes that's right - a sheep. According to a so-called gentleman of my acquaintance- I, readers, am a woolly, usually horned, ruminant mammal related to the goat.
And what prompted this attack? This slight on my character? Well, I mentioned that I read game reviews before buying them. Apparently the gentlemen in question regards this as sheep-like behaviour, that to read a review is to unavoidably be influenced by it.

Well it goes without saying I reject that accusation completely- so after thinking about it for a week, procrastinating for a week and dithering for a week - I got straight on the internet to correct his mistake. Here are some reasons why game reviews are great:

Game reviews are important. More important than other reviews - a film takes £5 quid and two hours of your time, a game costs ten times more in time and money. You can't just go wandering into HMV and get games based on the box art. Not if you value time and money.

Game reviews are great to read - a good review tells you what you need to know - i.e. how it feels to play the game - in an entertaining way. Check out Ste Curran's classic Monkeyball review [which he has irritatingly taken offline...grr], or Kieron Gillen's great EDF review. Avoid Playr style reviews that just list the controls. They're worse than useless.

Game reviews can cut through hype. One problem with deciding which games to buy is that games are seriously hyped to death - years of careful marketing - teasers, previews, fake websites, screenshots, viral marketing - all designed to get you wetting your pants with excitement, but it's all lies. None of it really matters until the reviews come out - which makes good unbiased reviews so vital. If a hyped to death game comes out with 4s and 5s then you know to steer clear no matter how amusing the trailer is.

It works the other way as well - game reviews can highlight great games that didn't have a multimillion pound advertising budget. I wouldn't own Katamari Damacy if it wasn't for the reviews, or Portal, or Okami or Phoenix Wright or Amplitude or well lots.

So we've all learned that game reviews are great. Without them we'd be lost in a sea of hype, all sitting and waiting for our friend to buy something so we can go round their house and try it out. And so no one would buy anything and the games industry would collapse and we'd all have to go out and find useful things to do with our time.

And no one wants that. Not even sheep.

The Not-Quite-Weekly Blogosphere Moment of Zen

2008-05-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

And there was the master himself: shoes off, socks on, dressed in shooting gear, but sitting behind a computer, stuck on the fifteenth level of a first-person shooter called BioShock.

"This is like months to get to this level, and he can’t get past this one little mysterious spider god, and he’s losing his mind. He’s like, ‘I can’t do it, Shia! I can’t do it.’ ”

Shia LeBeouf witnessing Steven Spielberg playing the Earth Defence Force version of Bioshock

GQ, via kotaku

GTA:Great Teaching Aids

2008-05-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

[This is an article I wrote for the newsletter at work - as it relates to games I thought I'd put it here]

Videogames are making the leap from living room to classroom -and they have a lot to teach educators about motivation, feedback and challenge.

First off - let's dispel a few myths - the idea that videogames are solely played by geeky teenage boys sitting in their bedrooms is simply not true. A survey by the BBC in 2005 showed the average age of a gamer as 28, a more recent survey put the average as 34. The gender gap is also suprising - 48% of gamers are female, with 21% of females across all age groups saying they were 'Heavy' gamers (more than once a week). The recent impact of GTA IV - culturally and economically - has shown games are a powerful force in entertainment - but what's that got to do with learning?

Games as learning tools
Modern games are far from simple - often the player has to manipulate a vast array of tools to progress through complex worlds. And as most seasoned gamers will tell you - they never read the manual. Try reading the manual of a modern game and you'll rapidly see why - the sheer amount of information is overwhelming. And yet players rapidly absorb all that information plus more and enjoy the process- how do games teach the player, and how do they make the learning process so entertaining players will gladly spend their time and money for the privelige of being taught?

In his paper - Learning by Design:Good Video Games as Learning Machines -James Gee boils it down to 3 key areas:

- Empowerment
In a video game the entire world reacts to the player's decisions - they're free to decide what they want to do and when. Their decisions may sometimes have adverse effects, but ultimately don't ever result in complete failure. In order to feel motivated learners need to feel they can personalise and control their learning. They need to feel they can make decisions and get feedback - either negative or positive - to guide them.

- Problem solving
Games build logically from simple to complex problems and are always challenging. In fact games are often criticised for being too easy - not a common complaint in a classroom! If a player fails a task the game will always give feedback, and often some form of reward. For instance a player might fail to kill a monster but will be awarded experience points or collect some treasure while fighting it. It's important to note that the reward doesn't make the monster easier to kill -games very rarely make challenges easier. Games that do are criticised and bizarrely accused of "cheating".

- Understanding
Knowledge presented in context is easier to learn. Games always present knowledge just before, or even during, the problem that it's application will solve. You learn how to climb walls when you need to get into the castle. Learning always serves a purpose. Learners need clear goals, they need to understand why they need to know things. "To pass the exam" is not a compelling reason! Unfortunately there may not be any other real reason why the learner needs the knowledge then and there - however by using avatars and simulations (another trick games use) learners can be presented with virtual problems that need solving. for instance in a recent psychology lesson I heard a teacher asking students to think as if they were members of the Ethics Committee.

Games in classrooms
Evidence that using games for teaching improves results is increasing - and there is much research ongoing. However teachers are still reluctant to use "off the shelf" commercial games in classrooms. This is understandable - the common media image of video games is that they are all violent "murder simulators" -however games can be powerful learning tools. There are an increasing number of "educational" games on the market. The problem with many of these games, however, is that they're just multiple choice quizzes albeit presented in a novel way. They don't tap into the central power of interactive experiences.

I have a particularly bad example on my laptop - picked up from a conference somewhere - called Alien Attack. It's a basic space invaders game where the player has to shoot down waves of aliens that are descending - the "educational" aspect comes in when the player dies. In order to continue they have to answer a question, set by the teacher, if they get it right they can continue playing, if they get it wrong they lose a life. This is typical of many educational games - the game itself has nothing to do with the subject being learned and just acts as a carrot to encourage students to answer questions. Even worse the learning is associated with a negative event in the game, education is a punishment for being bad at the game! While these types of games can be good for motivating students to revise facts, games can do a lot more.

Some games that are:

Fatworld (needs to be installed)
http://www.persuasivegames.com/games/game.aspx?game=fatworld
a game that aims to "demonstrate the complex, interwoven relationships between nutrition and factors like budgets, the physical world, subsidies, and regulations."
September 12th
http://www.newsgaming.com/games/index12.htm
Short but effective game dealing with the war on terror
Darfur is Dying
http://www.darfurisdying.com/
A game that puts the player in the shoes of a displaced Dafurian trying to survive the crisis in Sudan.
Real Lives 2007 (needs to be installed)
http://www.educationalsimulations.com/products.html
Compelling game that uses real statistics to model life in a different country. The player is "born" in a random location and lives out an entire virtual life governed by the politics, customs and laws of their country of birth.

Lie to me

2008-05-04T03:25:00.000-07:00

I got very confused about Wii Fit. On one hand it's a game - it's previewed and reviewed on all the gaming sites and magazines. It's written about in gaming blogs and promoted at games events. It's got "Nintendo" written on it. So it's a game. But it's not a game. It really isn't anything like a game. It's an interactive exercise video. No amount of cute 3D avatars speaking in impossibly high-pitched voices is going to make it a game. With Wii Fit these self improvement titles have finally crossed the line - they need their own category, they can't be called games.

I haven't played Brain Training but I would argue that it's still a game. In fact it's a very pure game - all games are essentially brain training. Whether you're training your brain to spot the tree-coloured bad guy against a background of trees or training your slow human fingers to react with robotic speed to visual cues - it's all brain training. I see no difference between Dr Kawishima telling me my reaction speed is getting better and getting 5 stars in Guitar Hero. Brain Training is just spectacularly unimaginitive in it's premise. Or honest - depending how you look at it. Brain Training is for people who don't want plot, character or beauty alongside their brain workout.

The counter argument to this is that these self-improvement titles teach "real" skills - not like playing a fisher-price guitar, or running round a fantasy planet shooting unreal aliens in their made-up heads - those aren't "real" skills. "Dr K teaches us maths and logic skills." say these "real" people "Skills we can use in everyday life." Sorry no - real life teaches real life skills. Skills you use every day you already practice every day. You don't seem to be getting any better at them. Brain Training is like any other game -the only thing it trains you to do, is be better at Brain Training.

Half the fun of games - in fact maybe 100% of the fun - comes from the sense of achievement you get from making progress. Learning is inherently fun -this article explains why - [well it would if I could find it to link to..], supposedly we're genetically pre-disposed to enjoy solving things and remembering the solution. In a game, this sense of progress is controlled by the designer - they decide when to hand out rewards, how to achieve that delicate balance of challange and reward. To be fun, a game's learning curve must be pitched just right - so we get a genuine feeling of achievement all the way through. Brain Training games are just the same - it's just they pretend you're making progress in a "real" skill, thus increasing your sense of achievement.

But Wii Fit is different. Weight isn't an abstract concept like intelligence - it's a real measurable quantity. Which means this game can't lie. It can't pretend you're making progress -all it can do is uncomfortably squeak that sometimes it takes time for exercise to show results. But I'm a gamer! I've done what the game says I want my reward now! My brain improved with improbable swiftness, why can't my body? Wii Fit has the structure of a game - rewards, stamps, even collectibles - but it doesn't have that progress curve, the spine that games need for all the other parts to work. So it's not a game. It's real life in a game-shaped box - don't be fooled people. Stay away.

Inbetweeners

2008-04-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

"He's not a prince he's not a king, he's not a work of art or anything"

So sang mid-90s garbage-wannabes Sleeper. Whatever happened to Sleeper? Can I be bothered to wikipedia them? and then post a link here? Didn't they have some kind of comeback a while ago...arrgh stop it - i'm getting distracted, I don't want to talk about mid-90s wannabe bands- I'm trying to talk about games! The trouble is I'm very easily distracted. There I am halfway thru a game, enjoying it, fully intending to explore every tiny facet of it and suddenly something new and shiny comes along and it gets dropped in the "I'll get back to that" pile.

Shiny games come in waves, as we all know - Oct/Nov we drown in new releases - then in January the great drought begins. Another brief burst of shininess in April-may, then the looong summer of dullness. So the obvious plan is that anything I don't finish in the plentiful times I put it in the barn and save it for the slow months. This is a sound plan of gaming husbandry - the trouble is, it doesn't happen - I always end up repeatedly going back to certain games while leaving others languishing unfinished.

These games are the inbetweeners. I wonder if everyone has inbetweeners or is it just me?

My inbetweeners include Oblivion, Gears of War, Guitar Hero, Halo (original only - not the other two) Frequency, Jet set radio future - all these are games I keep on going back to in the lean times. Why them? What makes a good inbetweener? Hmmm -

Either no plot or plot that you can get back into easily.
All games should have this anyway - missions that you can look back at, that tell you what you need to do, a map marker telling you where to go - most games will have something for the main missions but not side quests. Unforgivable is the old man who says "I've told you what you have to do! Now go do it!" gaah it's been 6 months!

A consistent reliable playing experience.
I don't expect bright new adventures from an inbetweener; I want familiar, reliable gameplay - fun yes - but not new. Something I know what to expect from. If I go back to a game at all the chances are I'll go back repeatedly - familiarity makes it more welcoming.

No danger of finishing
I'm not sure about this one - just trying to think about similar aspects in my inbetweeners -but being brutally honest I do seem to have a phobia of finishing games! The amount of unfinished games on the shelf staring at me balefully when I pick up Oblivion again is embarrassingly high - the reasons for not finishing long and varied. Could I have a problem?

Straight back on the horse
Games I can just pick up and play - no danger of having to re-learn the controls, skills, or tactics. For some reason I always think that if a game's on the shelf for more than a couple of months I'll have forgotten how to play it - logically I know this isn't true - any game you've played before will come right back after ten minutes - it's not like riding a bike - but again, familiarity wins every time.

What we learned
Inbetweeners are like old friends. Except they aren't. They're nothing like old friends it's just you have to use that simile when describing things like this. They're like an old comfy pair of slippers. ugh that's even worse - they're kind of like games. Games that you play inbetween of other games. That's all I wanted to say. Sorry it took so long.

Blogsphere weekly 'Moment of Zen'

2008-04-06T05:52:00.000-07:00

Did computer games make you turn to a life of crime? A national newspaper wants your story and will pay hundreds of pounds to the right person. Just write a few lines about how computer games turned you to crime and if it’s something we like, we’ll call you straight back

via VGMW

Remember when games were designed by designers?

2008-04-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

Dylan Moran has a section in his stand-up about releasing your potential - his suggestion is that it's a very bad idea. As long as your potential remains untapped you can imagine it to be tremendous. However when you unlock it and it turns out not to be the soaring vast colossus you imagined it to be there's no putting it back in it's box.

There's a lot of talk about sandbox games at the moment - Little Big Planet for one. It's gorgeous to look at, seems genuinely innovative and when I first heard about it I thought WOW that's great! completely flexible toolset! Make your own trees! Wow!But there's a small voice in my head that says 'So I have to design the levels myself? Can't someone else do that? that sounds like a bit of an effort.. There have been level designer add ons to games for ages of course, but they were optional extras for people with too much time on their hands. In LBP the designed levels seem added on to the central game which you have to make yourself before you can play it.

Then there's Spore - again I had the same initial reaction - WOW! That sounds great! A whole civilisation all for me! I can be a GOD! buuut...you mean I have to design them all? do all this creating? This God lark seems a bit of a faff...

All those possibilities are exciting - but in the end I'm afraid the sheer variety and scale of what can be achieved is going to dwarf what little I actually do achieve. All this limitless potential is just going to expose my own extremely limited creativity. So I'm limited only by my own imagination? Er what if my imagination is a bit crap? That means the game will be a bit crap right? But I can't complain it's a bad game, because it's my own fault for being rubbish. I have to go on the internets and write rabid blog posts about my own shortcomings, give myself -1000/10 and publish hilarious videos on youtube mocking my own crapness.

Hmm actually maybe that's another explanation for the almost universal love for spore and LBP - it's a case of emporer's new imagination, no one dares say they made a tree like on the demo then ran out of things to do. Spore isn't boring - *you* are boring!

And this is why I loved Mario Galaxy. No creativity required. No user-created content. Distinctly limited possibilities. You're locked onto a path and all you do is follow it to the end. Your gaming experience is pretty much the same as everyone else's gaming experience. All you need to do is press buttons and let someone else do all the work. Someone else has skillfully crafted (and crafted is the word) a beautiful, wonderful experience and your only responsibility is to enjoy it. I'm not saying Spore et al will be bad games - however the way they're being covered it's like they're better because you have to make them yourself. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer my games designed by designers.

The future is Blu

2008-02-18T06:21:00.000-08:00

http://hardware.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=08/02/18/0432256

The PS3 takes it's first, faltering steps along the loong road to Being Worth Buying.

Of course this only counts for a small window of time because in The Future we will all be downloading our HD movies and the idea of having a little shiny disc inna box will be as outdated as real trees and eating for pleasure.

Altair's shopping list

2008-02-11T15:38:00.000-08:00

1. Bow and arrow
All the other guys have these - they seem really good. Much better than my throwing knives
that don't go very far and run out too fast

2. Telescope
What's the point of me climbing up these dead high buildings if when I get up there the
ground's so far away I can't see anything? I realise it's the middle ages but how about one of those two-balls-of-glass-wrapped-in leather things Morgan Freeman had in Robin Hood? That was set round about this time right? And it had respected US actor Kevin Costner in so it must have been historicaly accurate.

3. Rope
Now I'm really really good at climbing walls. It's one of the things I'm best at! But even I
can't climb a blank wall that's too high and sooner or later people are going to stop leaving handy ladders around. My last job someone conveniently left some scaffolding up, but
I think you'll agree we can't rely on that happening all the time! A nice long rope with a grapple on the end would stop a lot of mucking about.

4. Another outfit
I like my nice white outfit and it's very handy for blending in with scholars, but that's no good if there are no scholars around is it? Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but not many scholars carry great big swords around, frankly I'm suprised it's fooled anyone. A guard's outfit would be a lot more practical kthx.

I'm sure if the stuff I'm doing is so important we can run to a few bits and pieces.

cheers!
Altair

The Legend of Zelda: The lies of the Internet

2007-01-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

I'm too lazy to write my own review so this is a kind of meta-review of other peoples. The other people are:
IGN
1UP
Gamespot
Edge
Eurogamer

Lie One: It's a long game.
Long they all say. Epic, even. Now while it's true that I'm 60 hours in and still not done, how ever far I have to go I think it's going to be disappointingly short of forever.

There are different standards for 'epic' these days - Oblivion, WoW - giant living worlds, Hyrule looks very provincial by comparison. And this Hyrule looks even smaller than those that have gone before... maybe my expectations have grown, cleverer people than me have declared it the biggest Zelda ever. Maybe longer - but thinner somehow. Lacking that whiff of freedom that came in Ocarina and wind waker. The sidequests seem shorter, simpler.

This isn't a bad thing - it's a perfect size for what it is, A triumph of simplicity - bravely declaring that linearity isn't a dirty word - this is all good, but epic it ain't.

Lie Two: This is a 'best of' compilation of previous zelda games
Not for me. I actually liked Tingle.

Most reviews seem to mention this, as if it's evidence of Nintendo playing it safe, as if all zelda games since Ocarina haven't in some way plundered the history of the series. They then go on to proclaim the innovations of this installment, the wolf, the horse combat, the wii controller. So guys let me get this straight -it's a bit like previous Zelda's only with some changes? So it's a Zelda game then? While it's true the changes this time around aren't as startling, it's far from a rehash.

It just delivers what you want - more of the same but different. Pandering to fans! they say, Listening to criticism of the last one! Oh no! You mean it was designed for fans, not reviewers? The horror!

Lie Three: Oh yeah and the characters are quite good too.
No they aren't. They're amazing. It's annoying that one of the game's major strengths is often relegated to an 'and finally' section. Apart from IGN - who say the characters are rubbish. Do you ever feel alone IGN?

The characterisation is really, really good, the fact it's overlooked shows how effortless they made it look. Compare it to Gears of War. Compare it to Oblivion. Compare it to previous Zeldas - It features some of the most endearing, complex and real characters I've seen since Beyond Good and Evil. It's a pleasure to find insects for them.

Game characters are hard. It's not like Torchwood. You can't give them reams of dialogue to explain who they are, what they're thinking, what they had for breakfast. It all has to come from how they look, the way they move and what they say with the few lines they're allowed; and to convey anything more subtle than Good Guy, Bad Guy is an achievement. To get you to actually care about them is extraordinary, and should be celebrated.

Most reviews mention Midna, who is a most charming nagbot, but they forget Telma and Shad and Mr Yeti's wife ( I forget her name, but her jumper will remain with me) and the shaman and the mercenary baby. All of whom almost make up for the absence of Tingle. Almost.

Some bits of reviews I liked:

"Twilight Princess is something you rarely see: a 60-hour adventure in which every moment is memorable." 1UP

"Familiarity breeds not contempt but a sense of history and ritual most games would kill to possess" Edge

"But secretly we hope that Wind Waker's unique, impressionistic style isn't lost forever and that one day we might see it used again, perhaps via the safety of a spin-off." IGN
Oh IGN. They did. It's called the Phantom Hourglass. You previewed it in August. Ooopsy.

I don't really have an end for this post. It's a great game. I'm so happy it's not over. Maybe one reason for putting myself thru this week is that I'm secretly putting off the end.

a long week ahead...

2007-01-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

I've decided to give up gaming for a week. Why? Well -maybe it's just to see if I can. Maybe after a bloated christmas spent on Gears of War and Zelda I feel the need to de-tox. Or maybe I felt there was a bit too much truth in this.

It's time to get in touch with the real me! To discover my potential when I'm not shackled to a quest to save the world or match blocks into patterns. To find out Who I Am.

This is going to go horribly wrong isn't it?

Todays Symptoms
Nothing too serious yet. I'm eating more, and drinking tea.
I also have a vague nagging feeling at the back of my mind, as if someone started telling a joke but then the conversation drifted away and now I can't even remember the start of the joke, there's just a lingering feeling that something's missing.

goodbye world

2006-12-22T00:15:00.000-08:00

hello

i am writing this from my sofa

using the wii.

wow

like i know i have a laptop and stuff so i could always blog from my sofa, in theory, but hell that would mean getting it out plugging it in, figuring out how to connect to the wireless (i know it's supposedly easy but i always get confused... )

of course if i used my laptop i would have the luxury of a keyboard rather than pointing at letters on the screen, and wouldn'thave to deal with a rather unpredictable predictive text system but a minor ixsue compared to the fact i could be playing zelda in two button presses.

of course this means that i will never need to leave the sofa. so hey it was nice knowing you guys, i can be contacted at wiiingonthesofa@home.com

Wobbly brain-hurty thing

2006-11-19T02:59:00.000-08:00

Irritating game
It's very quick but addictive. So far my best is 32 seconds - it has a very strong "one more go" factor, if only to try and discover the next badly translated insult. Incidentally, it would be interesting to see if there's any corrolation between performance and lifetime alcohol consumption.

Visitors

2006-11-18T05:27:00.000-08:00

There could be some New People looking at the blog soon, so i've had a tidy up. Just like my mum used to tear around the house at the slightest possiblility people might come round, making it look like Other People's Houses. We were also told to behave like Other People's Children as well but it was OK because we got to eat food that Other People ate, which was invariably nicer.

It still doesn't look much like Other People's Blogs, but it's getting there. And seeing as it must be just about a year old, it's about time.

Pigeons

2006-09-28T06:42:00.000-07:00

Last week, during the course of wage-earning duties, I found myself having to venture into the wilds of North Manchester. So I did copius amounts of internet research, double-checked timetables, loaded my chav-gun and set off. This blog is not about whining, so I won't mention the struggles I had with the GMPTE journey planner refusing to accept the place i was going to existed - that would be the path of another, lesser blog. But while i waited for the *right* bus at the *right* time at the *right* bus stop as it mysteriously failed to appear (the bus not the bus stop - even GMPTE aren't that bad..) I spotted a couple of pigeons.

The pigeons had spotted a sandwich crust on the floor about a foot away from a woman holding a loud conversation about what she'd said to someone about something. The first pigeon looked at the bread, bobbed up and down, edged towards it but decided to go for a crisp instead. The second pigeon got a bit further but then backed of when the woman shifted her weight. Then a third pigeon came along and, after looking at the crust, doing the usual bobbing around, thinking about it for 10 minutes (by which time my bus should have come an gone...resist! resist!) finally dived forward and got the bread. Which got me thinking.

The point is that pigeons who are bold get food while pigeons who still see humans as giant pigeon-killing gods do not. This can't be good - in evolutonary terms the pigoen with the most contempt for humans is the most likely to survive, therefore pass their genes along and tell their pigeon offspring that humans are just big walking crumb dispensers - I believe there's some kind of theory about this. So how long will it be before pigeons start just snatching sandwiches from people's hands? How long after that before they realise that it's much easier to pinch someone's sandwich if you peck their eyes out first? Then it won't be long before they start hanging around on climbing frames and the end of the world will soon follow.

I'm not proposing any action here - this blog is about asking easy questions not providing difficult answers - i'm not saying we should declare war, confiscate birdtables, arrest old women in the park for holding breadbags. I'm certainly not condoning vigilante action. I mean it takes millions of years for a species to evolve even a little bit right? So I'm just going to say that anyone who wishes to join me in the secure, pigeon-proof shelter that I'm constructing in the backyard will be more than welcome.

Bubbles

2006-06-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

When they started bringing out phones that played mp3s at first I thought they were a Bad Idea. Making a small personal stereo with tinny speakers that just about anyone could buy was probably the worst thing that could happen to commuters since ergonomic seat design.

I don't want to rant about 'kids these days', please God not yet, but getting on the bus and hearing that buzzing, bass-not-so-much-thumping-as-dissolving-in-static sound coming from behind my head just makes me want to smash all electronic equipment and cut the corners off bits of paper. The slow dawning that it's not a ringtone, it's not going to stop; rummaging through my bag for my own headphones; wondering if I'm brave enough to stand up for myself and count on the support of my fellow passengers (i never am); thinking maybe I should blast out radio 4 or similar from my own phone in a meagre attempt at confrontation (I never do) - there was a letter in the Metro - someone claimed to have witnessed a woman stand up and sing opera loudly at some kids who were "sharing" their musical taste, then sit down to the applause of her fellow passengers, I was going to write to the Metro in a similar way claiming to have witnessed a girl running for a bus stop and the bus driver waiting for her; when the girl got on the bus she explained that she was late for her rich aunt's funeral and gave the bus driver £500 for waiting; this sort of thing happens all the time.

But recently, though i still hate them on buses, I'm starting to come round to the idea. You see the kids don't just play them on buses, they hang them round their necks and play them all the time, while they're walking around, shopping, mugging people whatever the little darlings get up to, so they're constantly surrounded in a bubble of their own sound. Like a walkman, you're thinking, but it's not like a walkman is it? it's public for a start, like an I <3 Jar Jar statement on a T-shirt as oppose to wearing Darth Maul underpants; it's like audio perfume, as you walk past the group of stereotypical black teenagers you get a sudden burst of rap music, you walk past the pre-teen fashion victims you get a waft of whatever the flavour of the month is (I'm not about to date this blog by even attempting to guess), one girl I walked past recently was listening to the radio so I got a whiff of traffic report as she went by...but it's good - I like it
- everyone should do it. But not on buses.

Ninty No-Nos

2006-04-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

Somwhere back in the mists of my childhood there was a book, i don't remember the details but it involved the concept of 'Nopey-No-Nos', as in 'No little jimmy you can't use the drill to clean your sister's ears, that's a Nopey-No-No '

Every fan has a list like this. It's a list of things Nintendo would have to do to get me to not buy their next console. I made the list sometime ago, but i feel it's time to remind myself of it.

It's a very short list.

I, Judy, wil not buy a Nintendo console if

It is more expensive than a sony and a microsoft one put together.

They release any game with the word 'Street' in the title (unless it is referring to an actual road or avenue)

It's made of cheese.

That's it. Three things, (well two realistically, I can't see Da legend of Z: ~Hyrule street gangsta any time soon. Featuring Master S-Word. And E-Pone. And Chain (more bling than Link - geddit?? ....stopping now.)

Nowhere on that list does it say 'Features a controller that you can't use for more than a few minutes or your hand falls off.' That's fine. It'll work, it won't need constant calibrating, I have faith.

Also you will notice it doesn't say 'Names console after human waste product'. I was going to put that, but the cheese idea seemed more likely.

He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named told me about it, I just assumed he was mispronouncing it, then I read it for myself. My reaction was the same, i'm sure, as most gamers - Are they taking the ...oh shit' And suddenly the enormity of it hits you, an infinite swarm of bad puns, animations, headlines spreading out as fast as light and as wide as the internet, blocking out the sun. One stupid, stupid paragraph.

I was going to blog about dumb adverts - there's a few around at the moment "the whole world has a pulse - now so does a toothbrush", "My wrinkle's are full - and so is my life.". I was going to ponder on what concepts they must've rejected , what kind of freakish, isolated world these people must live in to think that slogans like that could possibly be taken seriously.

But it just doesn't seem funny anymore.

While my neighbours gently weep...

2006-04-23T15:21:00.000-07:00

So many things I was going to write about...

I was going to write about how Toonami changed - but in a bad way.

I was going to write about Xfm's Music Response show and how it's gone from being smoothly presented by a sexy London couple to being barked by a Manc whose eaten all the pies and tries to get his own name on air as much as possible, almost as if he's afraid people will forget who he is. (last night's gem - "if you like them you can download their new single from t' Clinternet" oh yes - that's going to catch on.) Of course we love him really, please don't send the army round...

But I didn't - I've got round to posting finally because of another video game, I'm afraid.

Guitar Hero isn't really like any other game so it's tough to describe - it's basically an air guitar made flesh. It's like your Freq from amplitude stepped out of the screen and handed you an instument. It's nothing whatsoever like playing a guitar.

When I first heard about guitar hero I had a radical life-improving thought - 'what if' I thought 'when it's released I spend all the time I would've spent playing it, learning to play a real guitar?' I could've blogged my progress on REALguitarHero.com, posted mp3s and pictures of my bleeding hands. But I didn't do that - I got the game instead. And now becasue my hands really ARE bleeding and I can't play, i'm writing this post.

While Guitar Hero is nothing like playing a real guitar, i think it probably hurts as much - I've got about 75% of the way through (Symphony of destruction on expert) and i was steadily improving, but it's going to be tough to get any further because by the time the swelling goes down I'll have to go right back to strumming smoke on the water. But I will go back - because it's simply the most addictive game i've played since amplitude Music makes a very pure feedback system - the carrot is order, harmony, the stick is discordant sound or silence, and it's so simple and instant, that the zone beckons...as combos go into physical memory and previously impossible passages become a walk in the park.

I was accused of 'just playing random notes' during a tricky solo - of course i was playing random notes - when the notes come flying you can't think, your best hope is to shut down the brain and hope your fingers figure it out. And when they do it's an exhilarating, euphoric experience.

Hmmm maybe that's enough rest.

WHY?

2006-03-13T15:05:00.000-08:00

OK, OK, ignore everything so far, forget all that's gone before; this, this is what this blog is for. To delve into impenetrable mysteries. To muse over abstract anomalies. To ponder the imponderables.

Like this:

This pizza menu delivered through my door today. Why does it have a picture of the England football team on it? I have scoured the inside, but it's just a normal pizza menu in there, no Match-night Specials of the 'buy four kebabs get a sick bag free' variety, no football themed pizza toppings (Beckham and mushroom perhaps, ho ho ho), no rhyme and no reason. If it was the Italian team I could just about understand, or perhaps if they were all tucking in to some delicious pizza - but no. just this.

Perhaps it's just a very bad attempt at subliminal advertising. Buy pizza...pizza make you happy...like football...buy pizza...become Wayne Rooney...no I'm not getting it. Perhaps this is just a warning of the madness to come, an omen, - soon footballers will be on all pizza menus for no reason, not to mention breakfast cereals, crisp packets, drinks cartons, newspapers, fast food promotions, buses, billboards, newspapers, office conversations and in the minds and hearts of all true englishmen. *sigh*

If anyone can help - if I'm missing something, if it's a blokey football thing i don't know about, please tell me, I'll feel a bit dumb but it's a small price to pay to sleep peacefully again.

Lookey-Likey

2006-03-13T14:19:00.000-08:00

Doesn't this cartoon man, found on the window of a local barbers, look strangely like Al SwearingMan from TVs Deadwood?

No?

Look again

Uncanny!

Julie Andrews Moment!!

2006-03-10T14:06:00.000-08:00

Two of my favourite things together at last- Redeye references American Gothic in his blog!!

Honestly it's like we're seperated at birth. But he got all the talent. Bastard.

We <3 Big Things

2006-03-08T14:14:00.000-08:00

Naaaaa-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Naa - This month I've been playing Katamari Damacy till my eyes and fingers bleed and my brain collapses into brightly coloured candy mush capable only of detecting size differences in mushrooms and continuously regurgitating meaningless songs. Oh God the songs. They don't just get in your head, they seem to infiltrate your very being. I swear they're in my bones.

The reason Katamari is so addictive is that at it's heart is an exponential success curve - you always succeed just a little more than you think you're going to. You think to yourself " I can't possibly roll up a panda yet, or could I?" you try and you do and your brain floods with happy singing chemicals. Again and again and again, and then you realise you've missed sleep time and it's time for coffee and reality.

When you play a game for a long time there's always a slight bleed through into so-called 'real' life, the urge to 'take out' CCTV cameras, being inexplicably drawn towards first aid kits, rising covered in gore after being forced to eviscerate your infected co-workers with a staple remover; as a gamer, I'm used to this. But with KD you can never leave. The soundtrack is constantly looping through your mind and everywhere you go there are things to roll up. Commuters. Buses. Metro newspapers. Shops. Office buildings. Desks. Phones. Eviscerated co-workers. Everything, every day, everywhere you go. As Archimedes said "Give me a ball big enough and sticky enough and i will move the world"

Talking of big things...moving as smoothly as a radio DJ to another topic

I'm also in the midst of Shadow of Colossus - 9 down, 7 to go -so far Edge and Eurogamer still wrong- an 8?? I trusted you guys. Of course that's the rating Edge gave Ico then proceeded to bang on about it being the bestest game ever for the next five years...so maybe it's a mark of greatness.

What I really like about SoC is the shoddy control system. The horse doesn't always go where you want it to -he's no horse-shaped car like Epona, he has a mind of his own. There's a big giant made of bricks heading for him? He runs away! No matter what you want him to do. Try and get him to ride into a tree? He won't do it! He'll go round cos that's the better way to go. He's a pleasure to work with.

This one's my favorite so far- you come across him sitting on a huge dinner plate hundreds of feet above a lake. All the others seem to be in their natural environment, foraging for food, ambling through the woods or sleeping in caves, but this ponderous creature is just sitting. Alone. Why is he there? Did he go up there to think? To contemplate his impending demise? He has an air of sadness, I felt worse dispatching him than I did his brothers.

So, in conclusion, for those that care, this month in gaming IN: Big things. OUT: Small things (especailly small things that have recently come out in Japan replacing big things that some people have already bought and now will have to buy again. Boo!)

Man of 33 plays D&D online in his pants

2006-03-04T11:14:00.000-08:00

Don't all rush at once ladies

Snow

2006-03-04T10:29:00.000-08:00

Today it snowed aggresively for about two hours. Two hours after it stopped it was all gone. It was mini-winter, like a trial version, stop burning things to download fully featured WINTER 06- a full THREE-MONTHS of non-stop freeze action, featuring ICE, FROST and BUSES NOT RUNNING SO YOU CAN'T GET TO WORK.

I nipped out and got a few pics anyway - it never ceases to amaze me how snow can make ugly things beautiful.

The house over the road

Even roadworks look nice

Wheelie bins huddle together in the cold

Fake Plastic Trees

2005-11-28T01:13:00.000-08:00

The arndale centre surely tops the league in crappy christmas displays, this year a bizarre cone with water cascading down the sides. I think it's supposed to be a tree, but why the plastic mr whippy on the top?

There was one of those "360" things in Dixons. I'm far too old to be interested in (Microsoft) consoles of course but I had to look. They had some boring Call of Medal of Brothers of something WWII fps. A young child was joyously shooting his comrades in the head, which in fairness, is probably the most entertaining thing you can do with it.

I'd love to say it will change my life, I mean i hate to let all that hype go to waste, but it was a big letdown really, who cares if you can see the rivets on a stunningly recreated vintage machine gun if the stunningly recreated Nazis still go down after being shot in the knee three times? I mean progress is more than gigaflops and all that yes?

My Old School

2005-10-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

This is my old primary school that they are changing into student flats. It's not sad because the school's moved to shiny new buildings behind (and probably made a few quid on the deal). It was hardly a modern educational establishment when I was there, it was large and draughty and the teachers had to close the windows using a pole with a hook on the end.

Hello World

2005-10-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to get a blog for a while, then today I open up my browser to the sentence:

You've got something to say. Express yourself online with Blogger.

When Google tells you to do something you'd better do it. Now the site seems to be having problems so I'm guessing it wasn't just a personal message for me.

I'm going to see if this works now.